MORGSHIRE BROADBAND

Morgshire development committee have led major steps towards the adoption of broadband into Morgshire. Mains drainage is the first step towards modern infrastructure. "today drains tomorrow sky trains" said Mrs Brown.

QUICK STEPS

Mrs Honeybell is appealing for members to join her dance club "We are rather short of gentlemen I'm afraid. Morgshires female residents seem to be made of stronger stuff" If you are keen to improve your fox-trot, quickstep or waltz contact Mrs Honeybell on tel: 643

HOLY WATERS

The council has agreed to improve the drainage of St. Percivals church yard. Reverend Oates has been determined in his efforts to avoid a repetition of the unfortunate incident at Mr Flaxmans burial. "We know he spent his life at sea but he wanted to be buried on dry land"

.... and for my next trick
I will fly through a window

MAN FOUND IN STAIRWELL

A man was found dead hanging upside down on a rope by his milkman. His hands were tied behind his back and he was covered in a sack. Paul Swadling had worked for many years as a circus escapologist under the stage name Gonzo the Magnificent. A police spokesman said "we are not looking for anyone else in connection with this incident".

SOCK THIEF

Another sock was stolen last night.This is the latest in a series of sock thefts from washing lines across Morgshire. The identity and motivation of the thief remains unknown. "This has got us baffled" said Inspector Spinker of Morgshire CID. All the thefts seem to share the same modus operandi, the socks have been stolen in the early morning from washing lines. Anyone with any information can contact Morgshire Police on 876

INVASION OF LADYBIRDS

This week Morgshire was over run by a horde of ladybirds. Millions of the bugs landed without any discernible reason all over the place. "Lo! its an ill omen of doom" said Mrs Smirch she insists that it is written in the runes "the land is invaded by insects before the age of darkness and famine". At one point it did look as if there would be no stopping them arriving. As the night came down the cloud lifted and they circled up in the air and fluttered north.

DUEL IN DYMNE WOODS

A duel took place at dawn on Tuesday between Mr Fotherington-Smythe and Mr S Tottington. Neither man would reveal what the dispute was about but we must assume that it was of the gravest nature. It ended amicably with the dispute going the way of Mr Tottington. Both men acting honourably through out. The doctor and Mr Fotherington-Smythes second report that he will be up and about within the week.

SWEDE RUSTLERS

The swede rustlers have struck again. Mr Ted Buckwhistle says that the swedes disappeared sometime in the middle of Wednesday night. The rustlers dug three neat furrows and appear to have left on foot. They left their signature of an impaled swede on a post. The public have been warned not to approach the perpetrators.

WORMS ON STRIKE?

Compost Nolan has written to us to report that his worms are on strike. If any one has experienced the same problems Mr Nolan would like to get together to discuss arbitration.